This is a recurring topic of consultation with sexologist in Delhi in couples, sometimes disguised with other diagnoses such as secondary erectile dysfunction, low selective sexual desire, or secondary anorgasmia. But deep down what happens, although it is hard to recognize it, is that there is no sexual understanding or erotic attraction in the couple.
In the sex clinic in Delhi, we are even seeing many cases of men who are in a relationship with women who objectively recognize as attractive, and yet they do not want them or they do not respond sexually since they consider that they do not perceive them as stimulating.
Little has been studied in this regard from medical sexology and psychosexual therapy, and what we can say is based more on clinical experience than on the evidence of scientific research. However, we know enough to propose some reflections and also actions that can be helpful to clarify and perhaps solve the issue.
What is sexual compatibility?
Sexual compatibility is reflected in the mutual erotic attraction, as well as in the coincidence of the sexual preferences of both, that is, those behaviors, games or situations that turn them on and excite them. Many times we feel that compatibility from the chemical … looking, smelling, feeling, in short, perceiving that person activates our sexual desire almost automatically. In fact we call sexual compatibility having chemistry. Sexually compatible couples tend to have a very spontaneous understanding at the level of non-verbal communication. Each one knows what the other likes, when is the moment to change the stimulus, to maintain a rhythm, to caress certain erogenous zones and how to do it. If the couple’s relationship is harmonious and there are no sexual dysfunctions, in this case sex is experienced as highly satisfactory and a very important aspect of the bond. Over time, sexual compatibility can be enriched if we get to know each other more and more by exploring each other, talking about our fantasies and recognizing the effects of different erotic games, suggests the best sexologist in Delhi.
What does it depend on that two people are compatible with sex?
Some sexologist doctor in Delhi suggests that in part it is something -literally- chemical. Somehow through the sense of smell, the mechanisms of desire and sexual response are activated, and studies indicate that this usually occurs in couples in which there is genetic compatibility in the event of an eventual offspring – something that is related to the so-called histocompatibility complex.
On a psychological level, we can say that sexual compatibility depends on people making a good choice of partner. That is, they are with someone who fully matches the love map, that is, the type of man or woman desired -both from the image and from the personality and erotic behavior, and also the erotic games and stimuli that cause sexual pleasure.
Can that compatibility be lost?
In some cases, we find couples in which the compatibility never existed. We speak of sexual incompatibility when the couple does not match our erotic expectations. There are marked differences between the images we have of a sensual person, compared to the real characteristics of our partner. It is also common for erotic styles to be the opposite. If, for example, one loves relaxed, slow, and gentle sex, the other is attracted to a more instinctive and visceral eroticism. Sexual incompatibility is common in couples who are not chosen for sexual attraction but for other factors: emotional security, social status, economic power, and desire to form a family, external pressures.
On the other hand, in the case of couples who did have this chemistry from the beginning, it can be lost due to routine sexual scripts, accustoming, changes in the order of priorities, conflicts and abuse. A separate chapter is what is called the parenting of the bond. They are those couples who have not known how to sustain their erotic relationship and there comes a point where they perceive each other in a familiar, friendly, but no longer sexual sense. “It’s like she’s my daughter,” or “I’m sorry I slept with a brother,” they say. If you intervene in time and the couple has the necessary cognitive, emotional, and motivation resources – in addition to good professional help from sex specialist in Delhi, it is possible to recover it. In other cases, it may be too late.
How do you recover when a partner feels like they don’t have the chemistry they used to?
The possibility of bringing the positions closer when we detect areas of incompatibility is relative. It all depends on how big the differences are. If there are points of mutual attraction and coincidences in some satisfying erotic games for both of you, it is about reinforcing those shared aspects. Also through exploration and creativity, you may find some fantasies that you may not have previously known about, and that arouses mutual excitement and pleasure.
Then we must establish agreements regarding the differences. For example, if there are discrepancies in the sexual positions that cause more pleasure or the coital rhythm that stimulates them the most, it is about each one finding their moment to enjoy in their own way. Let us always be clear that in sex there must be a balance between pleasing and being pleased, says top sexologist in Delhi.
Is it possible to work on the differences in sexual frequency?
Sexual compatibility/incompatibility also includes sex thermostats. Each person has their own level of sexual desire as a parameter that, although it varies according to different factors, follows a very personal pattern. When both members of the couple have a different level of sexual impulse, we are facing an incompatible aspect, and the problem is when that difference in the sexual thermostat is important and permanent. And as a consequence, distortions appear in relation to how we see our partner, which are often channeled in sometimes rude labels, for example: ” You are frigid, you never want to do it with me” or “You are a sexopath, you do not think of anything other than sex”. And from there, there is little that we can build as a solution, simply because respect has already been lost, explains sexologist in South Delhi.
That is why we must avoid imposing parameters of supposed normality, such as the idea that in stable relationships, love must be made once a day, or three times a week. Each couple finds their own rhythm, the one that is most satisfying for them, and always considering that different factors can circumstantially alter the desire. When the difference is important, the first thing we have to do is understand the other, put ourselves in their place, and not judge or prejudge. From there we can think of solutions: alternatives of sexual satisfaction that do not involve intercourse (such as masturbation or oral sex) in such a way as not to pressure the partner, but at the same time the other party has a certain satisfaction of their impulse sexual. Reinforce intimacy and shared moments so that desire is stimulated. Discuss erotic games or changes in the sexual script that could increase sexual motivation. Work with sexual fantasies on a mental level, as a resource to increase sexual desire, suggests sexologist in East Delhi.